"I want to be a librarian

I want to marry a janitor. I want to smoke crack on the highway. I want to go to prom. I want to eat cheese doodles in the car and wear a black hoodie sweatshirt. I want my car to break down at night. You and I will run into a haunted house and kiss for hours. I want to drink whiskey and watch a movie somewhere far away. I want to see the weather change when I drive. I always want to hear your voice in my house, I love that sound. I wish we were brother and sister trapped in an attic. I wish we were driving to Nebraska, we could make out in cornfields. I want to lick your arms that are all strong and sweaty because you have been digging and farming all day. I'll make you oatmeal and then we'll drive and drive. I want to go fishing and not talk for hours."


"We talked and cried and died and prayed and promised and fucked and smoked and held each other tight until the sun came up. I miss that. I miss the way he always woke up smiling. I miss the way we would fuck, sometimes while we were still asleep even. There was never any sleeping."


- "Dear Diary"

Hey Friends

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GIRLFRIENDS RULE

http://www.cracked.com/funny-2796-the-girlfriend-paradox/

Just when I thought that I couldn't love you ANY less - you ask me to marry you

*Name and profile picture have been changed to save the dignity of this poor sorry man, although with his last reply I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't deserve it. Maybe.

I love my job

So this morning I wake up, feeling much the same as I did when I woke up at the exact same time yesterday. I rolly polled to the end of my bed landing my fist in the middle of a heaped pile of random clothes I may or may not have worn in the past week, flapped my arm around until it fell upon something that felt Chiffon-y/structured/not leather or acid wash denim, grabbed it, as well as some underwear that does not completely piss me off (those are for the last days of my laundry cycle, or for when I am seeing a guy I do not want to allow myself to sleep with as it elects taking my pants off far too embarrassing), and dragged my feet all the way to the bathroom to shower (all the while keeping my eyes closed).
I drank my honey tea, did NOT have a cigarette, flicked my hair around, dabbed some random coloured substances onto delegated parts of my face, tossed some sunnies on and legged it to work with my east-side boo Jay-Z.
In hinesight - the beginning to a typical weekday for JSC.

As I swaggered through my old wood brass doors as if I actually was Jay-Z, I was greeted by our ever angelic outside clerk and also THIS:





 Naturally. I had to snatch my glasses off of my face to make sure that there wasn't some sort of shiny bright sports jacket and matching hat with Ray Bans wearing, one hit wonder singing penguin scratch on the lenses.
But surely enough, Benny was real. And continues to be real every single time one of my smarmy co-workers presses his foot in an effortless attempt to annoy me. I throw them the ol hairy eye balls, pretend to be super unimpressed with their mischevious and ill-intended act, ya know - give them what they want. But really, everytime he flings his head around like an Avgas fuelled carousel he makes me the happiest I have been since I watched Dawson's Creek all day Monday.

Examples of why I prefer medication to psychologists

"Life motto": Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get

Why this is stupid:

1) I don't know what kind of meth-molk chocolates you have been eating, but my chocolates always come with a colour/pattern code on the box that tells you EXACTLY what type of chocolate it is.

2) If your boyfriend/girlfriend is as cliché as to buy you a box of chocolates, you will ALWAYS know what you are getting.


"Life motto": The grass is always greener on the other side

Why this is stupid:

1) On the other side of what? My fence? Cos that doesn't just APPEAR greener, IT IS greener. Mine is more orange/white/grey/black/whatever other colours are present in cigarette butts.

2) Oh yeah. And. Bozos that suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrone, are IDIOTS who SUCK and are ANNOYING to know. If you are so immature as to be incapable of appreciating something that is right in front of your face, merely because you don't have to fight fire-breathing dragons and man-sized scorpians to reach them - don't bother with human interaction. Just watch movies instead.

(You know I didn't write this post if there isn't any passive aggression).


"Life motto": When life hands you lemons, make lemonade

Why this is stupid:

1) If life were to ALSO hand us a kilo of sugar, saucepan, and wooden spoon at the point of handing us these said lemons (considering these are the other ingredients/utensils that are required to make lemonade which apparently is possible thus being provided), I'm telling you now - LIFE WOULD NOT BE BLEAK. I think the residents of Last Chance studios taught us all a thing or 2 about what can be done with these items at the last, of many notorious, "Hayley/Brookman Street" parties.


"Life motto": Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain

Why this is stupid:

1) Here's a little motto for you DOUCHEBAG that may very well SAVE YOUR LIFE : "Storms aren't always about rain. Sometimes there is lightning, whirlwinds, hurricanes, etc, so dancing outside is probably THE WORST thing you could do if you prefer to pat a cow with your feet on the ground as opposed to 56 metres in the air".


"Life motto": What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Why this is stupid:

1) Schizophrenia? Depression? Cerebral palsy?  Idiot?

I wonder if..

..posting a picture of a scene from Secretary, and reiterating that I am also a secretary to a lawyer, will increase my level of sexual appeal due to associations of me and this movie being born.

..?

I don't see nothin' wrong, with a little...

There are 3 types of people in this world: Givers, Takers, and Booty Shakers.

There is about a 0.000000000002% cross over of Givers and Booty Shakers being yours truely and some of my friends.

Here I have infused 14 of the greatest booty bangin beats to get your ass-essment a high rating.

Hit it

Nah, na na na nah, na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, na na na nah

(chorus)

If you're horny, let's do it

but first you gotta put your neck into it

Don't stop, just do, do it

It's something like a phenomenon, every cutie wit a booty bought a Coogi (haaaaah!)

(verse 1)

Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop

Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss

Cos if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, wu buck wild with the trigger!

(chorus x 1)

(verse 2)

Thriller! Papa i'ma Milionaire,

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Yeah, I'm the OPP, get your freak on.

(chorus x 1)

Hands up

and wave (Flava Flav: show em what you got)

and wave (Flava Flav: show em what you got)

and wave (show em what you got)

and wave

You can only imagine what this song would actually sound like.

THIS is why I don't bother with a proper goodbye

Assholes

Lately it has become very apparent to me that many women are petrified to admit: THEY LOVE ASSHOLES

Being a girl who openly accepts her love for men who are arrogant, audacious, and who sometimes borderline on just plain rude, I find these women highly irritating and the catalyst of many bickers, banters, and arguments. And if anyone has seen me in one of these situations, the fact that I, myself, am an asshole becomes more and more apparent.

The natural law of Asshole-attraction is not sexist though - oh no. Guys gag for it too.
I first learnt this when I read "The Man-ual - Bad boys finish first" by Steve Santagati back in 2007. It was set in stone when earlier this year I met a boy who turned me into "the nice girl" in the Game of Love.
To give you an idea of the severity of this situation, if I were playing Monopoly - Love Edition, I would be the iron, and whoever is playing as the car stole all my money when I went to the toilet.

THANKFULLY, this didn't live past a couple of (boring, lonely) months. I actually became SO NICE, that when I first met a guy, after assessing our present lives, future goals, ambitions, desires, strengths and weaknesses in the first conversation with him, if I didn't calculate more than a 90% long term relationship success rating, I just wouldn't see him again.
Now this may seem like a conceited act, but really, my view was that I didn't want them getting too attached or even really getting to the thought that maybe one day we would speak to each other on a day-to-day basis so as to save THEIR FEELINGS for when I possibly decided I was over it (ok, maybe a little conceited, but c'mon, I'm a catch hard to let back into the ocean). So I tackled this situation HEAD ON, by giving them the flick before they even drew close to the assumption that I am definitely a female, who does not wear Crocs.

But in hindsight, even if I let the ball roll for a bit longer, they would've lost interest anyway because BEING THAT CONSIDERATE JUST ISN'T HOT.
It's true. Who wants someone who doesn't sleep because they are too busy brain storming different possible routes from your house to work so as to reduce your correct travelling time of 11 minutes to 8 minutes thus allowing 3 extra minutes to enjoy the organic, soy, Arabica bean topped up Machiatto with 3 grams of raw sugar served in a gold rimmed glass, in the morning.
Where's the chase?
Where's the anticipation after sending them a text message, and spending the next 78 minutes that it takes them to reply cursing yourself because you totally could've asked how their night was in a far more quirky (yet still laid back) way?
It doesn't exist because you don't send them text messages, or need to ask how their night was, because they were outside your front door with a harp singing Elton John songs that he has altered to have your name in them.

Many people believe that if something is too good to be true - it probably isn't. So you may have the sex appeal of Scar Joh, the charm of Michael Buble, and the wit of Arj Barker, but if you're heart is as difficult to capture as a 14 year old who just watched The Notebook - you'll be as unlucky in love as Jennifer Aniston (Post-Brad.. Yeah.. Fuck that).

Now I'm not saying we should all start rocking up to dates 2 hours late and apologising by saying "haha.. soz", but there needs to be some SASS, some cheek, some quirk, some chance that you're not going to be available on any given day of the week.

So you could think that I am rude, up myself, cocky, just a general fucking bitch, but that's not true. I love people, I love girls and I love boys.
Whenever I am seeing someone I appreciate all the cute things they do for me, I inform them of all the things I like about them, I am always there for them, and I generally care. I just don't text back sometimes and require them to PLAN to see me - not call an hour before they want ME to drive to THEM.
It's not playing games, it's just having enough calcium in my spine to decline kowtowing to some crush who (adorably) walks into my life, and to prioritise the friends that were there for me pre-crush, and will still be there for me post-crush.

How food relates to ones level of sexual attraction

SO HOT WHEN BOYS DON'T EAT

2 months ago

I was given this flower and I stared at it from across the room.
I watched it. Studied as much of the detail that I could see from 3 metres away.
After half an hour I decided that I liked the flower.
So I walked over and picked it up to take a closer look.
There was a bug living in it. I threw it out.
I still think about it. A lot.
And now all I'm left with is this anger toward the person who gave it to me.

Bankrupt in the Valley

Met this man. He read our palms and briefed us on our zodiac and chinese signs. Apparently, Horses are more loyal to Dogs than Dogs are to Horses. Ripped off.

My character according to zodiac and chinese signs is as follows: Hard working. When I find the career that I am passionate for, I'll throw everything I have at it. Living on coffee, forgetting to eat, late nights at the office, regularly missing dinner with my adoring wife and kids, etc. (Ok I just added that in, but I just really want to be Elliot from Law & Order:SVU).

I don't trust or fall for people easily. I observe people thoroughly, for a while, before I truely commit to them. But when I do, I'm there until the end of the end. And I'm not easily intimidated or scared by hard times or circumstances.

I love with my head before my heart, but once my heart is involved it's all John Cusak in Serendipity instead of Rose McGowan in Jawbreaker.

In my hand, he read: Old soul. Mature beyond my years and grounded. I'm not at all flighty. I make a decision and I stand by it.

Long, healthy life. I'll be 80 years old and able to remember that my cat, George, died in 2068 and no matter how loud I scream his name - he's not coming.

I'm pretty sure he just wanted to sit there holding our hands, like some sort of spiritual leader as we gaze up at him, hanging on his every word, in total agreeance and admiration with all that he spoke. It worked. Felt pretty lame, but at the same time it was nice for someone to sit there and identify me. I get off on listening to other people's opinion of me. It's really the only way to grasp a general idea of how you act and behave. Not so much of who you are, as other people can't hear your intentions, emotions, or thoughts. Only you can. It's easy to forget.

So maybe if you collaborate all of the above, you can make a fair educated guess as to who you are as a person. And you'll find the "About me" sections of networking websites a shit load easier.

Assignment 70

Goodbye you
Goodbye checking your facebook page daily
Goodbye checking the profile of a girl who's wall you posted on
Goodbye caring that you posted on the wall of a girl
Goodbye noticing that you don't usually post on people's wall and finding it suspiciously unusual that you would post on the wall of a girl
Goodbye spending too much time analysing why you posted on this girl's wall and what you meant by what you said
Goodbye reminiscing about the times that I was the only girl whose wall you posted on
Goodbye then posting a blog about it

A CD won't start unless you press the play button.

Even on multiple CD players and you change the disc, very obviously wanting to listen to that CD: Nuh. Sorry. Not gonna happen.
All you get is the knowledge of how many tracks are on that CD, and the length of time they total to in minutes.
Unless you press play.
Symbolic? Or just a completely irrelevant-to-anything observation?
Deep aren't I?

You know I can't say what I want to say but you know what I want to say please don't make me say it anyway?