TEEN-ANGER

What to do on my last day of being a Teenager:

1) Cry
2) Send a lot of text messages that are at least 5 pages long according to the old Nokia text message measurements (from Sean's phone cos I aint got mine)
3) Get an eating disorder
4) Listen to Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday & Slipknot (and cry)
5) Buy & wear some Refuge jeans from Roads
6) Catch the 60, 64, 67, 69, 887, or 889
7) Go to Dianella Plaza and drink Pulse in the car park of the old McDonalds
8) Have a "flavour of the month" BFF
9) Write in my diary about how no one understands me and the only way I will ever be happy is if Mum upgrades my mobile plan (and cry)
10) Go to "Splash Dance" at Beatty Park and be really awkward about being in a bikini (I have an eating disorder so I'm really funny about that kinda thing)

7 Tips on How To Drive: Perth Style

1) Why waste a whole lot of money on a new sound system for my car, when I can just use my iPod and TOTALLY block one of my mere 4 senses.

2) Accelerator control? What's that? The best way to drive is to slam your foot down on the accelerator pedal, sporadically, but preferably to the beat of I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte, and then slam my foot on the brakes 2 seconds later when I realise the 6 metres between myself and the car in front will totally not allow for the 25km/min speed increase I just rendered. Alter between both accelerator and brake pedals equally for the remainder of your journey - They don't put that middle pedal there for no reason!

3) Don't worry if you have a text message to write, at the lights, and waste a good 4 seconds of green light. It's not like anyone has had a draining day at work, and have a shitty Ford Laser that they cannot wait to get the fuck out of.

4) The best way to merge is to come to a complete stop.

5) When you notice that another car is actually doing the speed limit, or even more frightfully, above it, speed up and overtake them. Then when you are in front of them, do at least 10km less than you were originally. I don't know why you're meant to do this, probably something to do with my Dad also being my Uncle, but you just do.

6) Another little game I like to play when driving: Boxing. When there is a car that is driving less than a car's length behind another car, pull up beside them and try to maintain the same speed as them for as long as possible - It's super fun watching how mad they get!

7) NEVER EVER THANK/SIGNAL/ACKNOWLEDGE SOMEONE THAT HAS STOPPED TO LET YOU IN. It's unnecessary, it's not like they saved your life or anything. You gotta moderate those "please" and "thank you's" - This isn't England.

Happy driving!

I'm Hungry

Dear Brock O'Lee,

How's stuffing? Orange ya missing me? 

Now look, omelette you in on a secret, and the reason I'm writing you a letter is because I'm not stroganoff to tell you in person.

I Cantaloupe with you to The Bananas. I thought I was bready but I doughtnut know what I want any-smores. Lime sorry.

Fried regards,

Jesse Chips With Chicken Salt And Shit Loads of Vinegar

How to Not be a Gay B*tch

• Diet for well-being, exercise for health, don't do it cos your "HeAApZ FattT". Said it before and I'll say it again: That's gay, Man. It's Winter, give yourself a break, and stop wasting your life on 4 KGs.

• Treat your friends with respect. Never replying to their text messages and always saying that you REALLY, REALLY MISS THEM AND REALLY WANNA SEE THEM but never do, doesn't make you REALLY, REALLY UNAVAILABLE AND COOL, it just makes you a flakey, ungrateful, gay b*tch, really.

• Support your friends. Maybe you don't like her new boyf, maybe you don't like that she does Pilates every Thursday which means you can't go to the pub and get her reaaaally drunk and roll her down the street in a shopping trolley, maybe she wants to go see Step Up 3, maybe she doesn't have any money to see a band that you wanna see because she's saving for a really sick holiday. There's a MAJOR difference between teasing, and just genuinely not giving a fuck about your friends feelings and being a really huge, self-serving, gay b*tch.

• Don't tell your friends to "shut the f***up" all the time. You shut up. You're gay.

• Don't get upset about having no money! It's sooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay. WHATEVER. The days that you have 4 cigarettes for dinner because you're too poor, are the days that you'll look back on fondly in 20 years. Of course, by then you'll HAVE money and have most likely forgotten exactly what 4 cigarettes on an empty stomach feels like.

• Don't get upset by the fact that you haven't used your brain for anything other than Sudoku and supreme Facebook stalking in a good 6 months and now you write like a MAJOR GAY B*TCH.

All is fair in love and war

 

WARNING: DANGEROUS AMOUNTS OF ESTROGEN. VERY ASHAMED AND THIS IS ONLY THE TITLE

 Today I was listening to Blink 182 (don't even, they're amazing) and was obviously thrown into a reminiscent journey through all my past boyfriends/crushes/guys I stalked, and it became, not so much clear, as unpalatably undeniable, that I have a real appetite for "weird" guys. (Not ground breaking news, I do have a point. Surprisingly though, it does not involve Courtney having sex). And although they are all different,  and no doubt great in their own right, "weird" is an adjective that could effortlessly cast a net over every one of them.

Attraction is a super fascinating yet sometimes bizarre thing, blah blah blah, and it's usual for people to be  attracted to someone without the smallest hint as to why, yadda yadda yadda, but I really think there are types of boys that are generally over-looked that really need to be re-evaluated. Not because crushes and relationships are SO IMPORTANT but because there are so many super boy-babes out there that just don't get the time of day from other super girl-babes because of certain points that can actually be really fun if seen from the right aviators. The amount of times you hear "there are no good guys in Perth", "I'm not attracted to ANY guys I know", "I'm an unimaginative doofus", really grinds my gears. IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE TO BE IN A CITY WITH OVER A MILLION PEOPLE AND THERE NOT BE ANY "GOOD GUYS". JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Think about this:

Hot: Computer nerds

Shit girls think: Ew. Smart guys are idiots. They smell funny. They only eat it Twisties. Get a fake tan.

Creative girls think: Incredible internet romance involving super detailed Photoshop images and cute flashing GIFs that you could only dream about when you were 14 and your Msn display name was ~***>> DnT seTTL3 4 tHa 1 yo0 caN liiVe wiF, waiiT 4 tHA 1 yO0 cNT Liiv3 wiiFouT <<***~. Free and easy access to any movie, TV show, game, software, or music ALWAYS. Never sleeps so is always available for drunk chats/4:00 am hang outs.



Hot: Possessive

Shit girls think: Go away and let me chat up this hottie with 16 abs

Creative girls think: Edward Cullen

Hot: Mental problems

Shit girls think: Fruit cake. Nut bar. Loose canon. Give it leg.

Creative girls think: Fruit cake. Nut bar. Loose canon. FUN!

Obviously this isn't for everybody. It is for me though cos there is NEVER a dull day with someone a few bricks short of a shed.

Albeit, I am pretty good at sorting out other peoples mental issues, and I do have a high tolerance for crazy (refer: every friend I have ever had), but once you get past the initial "next time, when you want to call me, please make sure it has been at least 3 1/2 minutes since the last time you have called me" and the "I know you really like bubble wrap and everything but do you think maybe we could get a real mattress? Cos this 'bubble-wrap-tress' of yours is really starting to hurt my back", they can make the most devoted, passionate, inspiring, and inventive people to be in a relationship with. We've ALL got our troubles, theirs are sometimes just more well known. Honesty. You like honesty, right?
And hey if they're creatively talented which 98% of them are you'll probably get songs and paintings made for you. Better than a Hallmark card.



Hot: Imperfect bodies

Shit girls think: Go away and let me chat up this hottie with 16 abs

Creative girls think: Generally better person. It's being shallow and judgmental but seriously while Vin was flexing muscles in the mirror, Seth Rogan was reading an insult book and watching Teen Wolf. It's true.




So when you meet a guy and you feel a little uneasy because you've never been with someone like him before and you're about to say "naaaah, he's not my type" - STOP. FUCK YOUR TYPE.  YOUR TYPE SUCKS. IF YOUR TYPE WAS SO GREAT YOU WOULDN'T BE SINGLE RIGHT NOW. YOUR TYPE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. MOVE ON. It's not lowering your standards, it's opening your mind to testing whether you REALLY want what you think you want, because you can never know unless you've tried it. Who would've thought that Ernie Dingo was right on the god damn money. And the illegitimate children.

WOOEJJBKGJFBHFH

FREAKIN OUTTTT TUTUUTUTUTU


WHY MY Hnads have so muhc colour on dem. Fuuuuuck. Why do we do the SAME FUCKING thing every fucking WEEEEEEEKKKKKEEENNDNNDDDNDNNDND. OH HEY REPLUBLIC AMPS AMPS AMPAS REPUBLIC,......


TRIED TO LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR and wow capitals. Can't stop laughing foreverrrrrrrerrrrrrrrr. Some emo guy kept tryna make out with me but I had NO idea wtf was going on so I was real awkward and I fink I just LEFT HIM there. WHY MAKE ME DO THIS GRAVY I CAnnnooooooooot stop LAUGHING.

She lives in my lap

Here is a labelled photo of myself wearing everything that I regularly make fun of.

The only thing that you can't see is that I was listening to Creed.

Apart from that though, this pretty much displays all of my favourite and most used insults (paying special attention to the American Apparel wear, which is obviously a very popular and effective insult favoured by many), all captured by the Photo Booth program on a Macbook.

The awesome thing is though that I actually own and it wouldn't be out of character for me to even wear everything in this photo. AND I REALLY DO LISTEN  TO CREED.

Some people may call that "hypocrisy".
And by some people, I mean anyone that is even slightly just the tiniest bit clued up on the meaning of "hypocrisy", would call this "hypocrisy".

Obviously it can be really enjoyable and the source of many laughs to poke fun at different social groups for whatever stupid trends/typical fashions/slang/music they opt for, but really - I don't care. I wear stupid crap all the time, and I know there are people that HATE the clothes I wear. But the awesome thing is is that what we all choose to wear doesn't really effect anyone else. I KNOW, COOL RIGHT?

Just because you have a fake tan doesn't make you shit person, just because you wear shorts that have less material than a denim g-banger doesn't make you boring, and just because you drive a ute doesn't make you stupid. Sure there is about a 78% higher chance that you ARE a stupid, boring, shit person for committing these crimes against my morals courtesy of Vice Magazine, but I guess it would be unfair/wrong/something I think but cannot say out loud, to suggest that these things are directly related.

Ps. Here is a photo of me taking a photo with a digital camera that is so digital it doesn't have a view finder.

On. Off. On on "off". Offffff. On.

Above is a picture of a light bulb because for whatever reason a light bulb represents someone "having" a bright idea.

Maybe the term "bright idea" was around before the light bulb/idea thing came about thus light bulb became linked to "bright ideas" as they obviously make shit brighter. Unless it is an eco-friendly light bulb like the 1 pictured above which are about as bright as something really really dark and not light at all.

Of course there is then the assumed reason of the whole Thomas Edison thing, who apparently had a few ideas, some of them being bright maybe. Or is it because when someone has an idea they "see the light" of the subject thought about. Maybe not the "light at the end of the tunnel" because that is a reference to someone going through a mad-bad time and are usually questioning their existence/life/living, etc. I am not in a tunnel at the moment, no complaints about life really, no draft suicide notes written lately, so this idea is merely like a light bulb I would've stumbled across in Woolworths on St Georges Terrance on sale. (By the way, that Woolworths is so fucking great you can catch me there anytime between 12:00-1:00pm Monday to Friday usually in the fresh produce or yoghurt section. To save you the trouble, the bananas in my basket are always facing up so that means I am single and ready to mingle).

This light bulb in particular represents my realisation that "having standards" is just a really wanky way of saying you have restrictions. Restrictions inhibit and I fucking hate inhibitions hence why I'm always drunk and doing other mind-altering shit like having crushes on boys and listening to people I probably shouldn't listen to. I know it won't be long before I won't need to drink or do anything to bail on this controlled behaviour crap and then I will probably have a lot more money and far better mornings. Insanity is a far better/more original excuse than being drunk anyway.

Female Hysteria

I hope your NYE kiss was as eye-opening as mine was

1) Above boy is not so confused about his homosexuality so as to hook up with Abbey the YABBY (just made that up then)  2) Above girl knows that Pacey is nothing less than the wittiest, dreamiest boy ever with imperfections only adding to his perfection and would never, so long as her head is left un-run-over-by-a-semi-trailer, consider Dawson in close vicinity to deserving her affections in comparison to Pacey (even though his possessive nature is worth noting) 3) Above couple are not Scientologists 4) Above boy is wearing multi-coloured sequin cap and dresses in such "Fabolous - So Into You" style fashion pieces as this on the regular 5) Above couple never will be Scientologists

No other differences have or ever will exist.