Monday, November 22, 2010

7 Tips on How To Drive: Perth Style



1) Why waste a whole lot of money on a new sound system for my car, when I can just use my iPod and TOTALLY block one of my mere 4 senses.

2) Accelerator control? What's that? The best way to drive is to slam your foot down on the accelerator pedal, sporadically, but preferably to the beat of I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte, and then slam my foot on the brakes 2 seconds later when I realise the 6 metres between myself and the car in front will totally not allow for the 25km/min speed increase I just rendered. Alter between both accelerator and brake pedals equally for the remainder of your journey - They don't put that middle pedal there for no reason!

3) Don't worry if you have a text message to write, at the lights, and waste a good 4 seconds of green light. It's not like anyone has had a draining day at work, and have a shitty Ford Laser that they cannot wait to get the fuck out of.

4) The best way to merge is to come to a complete stop.

5) When you notice that another car is actually doing the speed limit, or even more frightfully, above it, speed up and overtake them. Then when you are in front of them, do at least 10km less than you were originally. I don't know why you're meant to do this, probably something to do with my Dad also being my Uncle, but you just do.

6) Another little game I like to play when driving: Boxing. When there is a car that is driving less than a car's length behind another car, pull up beside them and try to maintain the same speed as them for as long as possible - It's super fun watching how mad they get!

7) NEVER EVER THANK/SIGNAL/ACKNOWLEDGE SOMEONE THAT HAS STOPPED TO LET YOU IN. It's unnecessary, it's not like they saved your life or anything. You gotta moderate those "please" and "thank you's" - This isn't England.

Happy driving!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I'm Hungry

Dear Brock O'Lee,

How's stuffing? Orange ya missing me? 

Now look, omelette you in on a secret, and the reason I'm writing you a letter is because I'm not stroganoff to tell you in person.

I Cantaloupe with you to The Bananas. I thought I was bready but I doughtnut know what I want any-smores. Lime sorry.

Fried regards,

Jesse Chips With Chicken Salt And Shit Loads of Vinegar