Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I love my job

So this morning I wake up, feeling much the same as I did when I woke up at the exact same time yesterday. I rolly polled to the end of my bed landing my fist in the middle of a heaped pile of random clothes I may or may not have worn in the past week, flapped my arm around until it fell upon something that felt Chiffon-y/structured/not leather or acid wash denim, grabbed it, as well as some underwear that does not completely piss me off (those are for the last days of my laundry cycle, or for when I am seeing a guy I do not want to allow myself to sleep with as it elects taking my pants off far too embarrassing), and dragged my feet all the way to the bathroom to shower (all the while keeping my eyes closed).
I drank my honey tea, did NOT have a cigarette, flicked my hair around, dabbed some random coloured substances onto delegated parts of my face, tossed some sunnies on and legged it to work with my east-side boo Jay-Z.
In hinesight - the beginning to a typical weekday for JSC.

As I swaggered through my old wood brass doors as if I actually was Jay-Z, I was greeted by our ever angelic outside clerk and also THIS:





 Naturally. I had to snatch my glasses off of my face to make sure that there wasn't some sort of shiny bright sports jacket and matching hat with Ray Bans wearing, one hit wonder singing penguin scratch on the lenses.
But surely enough, Benny was real. And continues to be real every single time one of my smarmy co-workers presses his foot in an effortless attempt to annoy me. I throw them the ol hairy eye balls, pretend to be super unimpressed with their mischevious and ill-intended act, ya know - give them what they want. But really, everytime he flings his head around like an Avgas fuelled carousel he makes me the happiest I have been since I watched Dawson's Creek all day Monday.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Examples of why I prefer medication to psychologists



"Life motto": Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get

Why this is stupid:

1) I don't know what kind of meth-molk chocolates you have been eating, but my chocolates always come with a colour/pattern code on the box that tells you EXACTLY what type of chocolate it is.

2) If your boyfriend/girlfriend is as cliché as to buy you a box of chocolates, you will ALWAYS know what you are getting.


"Life motto": The grass is always greener on the other side

Why this is stupid:

1) On the other side of what? My fence? Cos that doesn't just APPEAR greener, IT IS greener. Mine is more orange/white/grey/black/whatever other colours are present in cigarette butts.

2) Oh yeah. And. Bozos that suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrone, are IDIOTS who SUCK and are ANNOYING to know. If you are so immature as to be incapable of appreciating something that is right in front of your face, merely because you don't have to fight fire-breathing dragons and man-sized scorpians to reach them - don't bother with human interaction. Just watch movies instead.

(You know I didn't write this post if there isn't any passive aggression).


"Life motto": When life hands you lemons, make lemonade

Why this is stupid:

1) If life were to ALSO hand us a kilo of sugar, saucepan, and wooden spoon at the point of handing us these said lemons (considering these are the other ingredients/utensils that are required to make lemonade which apparently is possible thus being provided), I'm telling you now - LIFE WOULD NOT BE BLEAK. I think the residents of Last Chance studios taught us all a thing or 2 about what can be done with these items at the last, of many notorious, "Hayley/Brookman Street" parties.


"Life motto": Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain

Why this is stupid:

1) Here's a little motto for you DOUCHEBAG that may very well SAVE YOUR LIFE : "Storms aren't always about rain. Sometimes there is lightning, whirlwinds, hurricanes, etc, so dancing outside is probably THE WORST thing you could do if you prefer to pat a cow with your feet on the ground as opposed to 56 metres in the air".


"Life motto": What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Why this is stupid:

1) Schizophrenia? Depression? Cerebral palsy?  Idiot?



Thursday, November 12, 2009

I wonder if..

..posting a picture of a scene from Secretary, and reiterating that I am also a secretary to a lawyer, will increase my level of sexual appeal due to associations of me and this movie being born.



..?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I don't see nothin' wrong, with a little...


There are 3 types of people in this world: Givers, Takers, and Booty Shakers.
There is about a 0.000000000002% cross over of Givers and Booty Shakers being yours truely and some of my friends.
Here I have infused 14 of the greatest booty bangin beats to get your ass-essment a high rating.


Hit it
Nah, na na na nah, na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah, na na na nah

(chorus)
If you're horny, let's do it
but first you gotta put your neck into it
Don't stop, just do, do it
It's something like a phenomenon, every cutie wit a booty bought a Coogi (haaaaah!)

(verse 1)
Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss
Cos if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, wu buck wild with the trigger!

(chorus x 1)

(verse 2)
Thriller! Papa i'ma Milionaire,
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Yeah, I'm the OPP, get your freak on.

(chorus x 1)

Hands up
and wave (Flava Flav: show em what you got)
and wave (Flava Flav: show em what you got)
and wave (show em what you got)
and wave



You can only imagine what this song would actually sound like.