Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Define: Annihilate

Synonyms: Maim, mutilate, destroy, ruin, wreck, trash, slay

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Education is over-rated

Full on.

On a bathroom wall I wrote 
"I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else" 

Monday, December 27, 2010


What to do on my last day of being a Teenager:

1) Cry
2) Send a lot of text messages that are at least 5 pages long according to the old Nokia text message measurements (from Sean's phone cos I aint got mine)
3) Get an eating disorder
4) Listen to Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday & Slipknot (and cry)
5) Buy & wear some Refuge jeans from Roads
6) Catch the 60, 64, 67, 69, 887, or 889
7) Go to Dianella Plaza and drink Pulse in the car park of the old McDonalds
8) Have a "flavour of the month" BFF
9) Write in my diary about how no one understands me and the only way I will ever be happy is if Mum upgrades my mobile plan (and cry)
10) Go to "Splash Dance" at Beatty Park and be really awkward about being in a bikini (I have an eating disorder so I'm really funny about that kinda thing)

Monday, November 22, 2010

7 Tips on How To Drive: Perth Style

1) Why waste a whole lot of money on a new sound system for my car, when I can just use my iPod and TOTALLY block one of my mere 4 senses.

2) Accelerator control? What's that? The best way to drive is to slam your foot down on the accelerator pedal, sporadically, but preferably to the beat of I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte, and then slam my foot on the brakes 2 seconds later when I realise the 6 metres between myself and the car in front will totally not allow for the 25km/min speed increase I just rendered. Alter between both accelerator and brake pedals equally for the remainder of your journey - They don't put that middle pedal there for no reason!

3) Don't worry if you have a text message to write, at the lights, and waste a good 4 seconds of green light. It's not like anyone has had a draining day at work, and have a shitty Ford Laser that they cannot wait to get the fuck out of.

4) The best way to merge is to come to a complete stop.

5) When you notice that another car is actually doing the speed limit, or even more frightfully, above it, speed up and overtake them. Then when you are in front of them, do at least 10km less than you were originally. I don't know why you're meant to do this, probably something to do with my Dad also being my Uncle, but you just do.

6) Another little game I like to play when driving: Boxing. When there is a car that is driving less than a car's length behind another car, pull up beside them and try to maintain the same speed as them for as long as possible - It's super fun watching how mad they get!

7) NEVER EVER THANK/SIGNAL/ACKNOWLEDGE SOMEONE THAT HAS STOPPED TO LET YOU IN. It's unnecessary, it's not like they saved your life or anything. You gotta moderate those "please" and "thank you's" - This isn't England.

Happy driving!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I'm Hungry

Dear Brock O'Lee,

How's stuffing? Orange ya missing me? 

Now look, omelette you in on a secret, and the reason I'm writing you a letter is because I'm not stroganoff to tell you in person.

I Cantaloupe with you to The Bananas. I thought I was bready but I doughtnut know what I want any-smores. Lime sorry.

Fried regards,

Jesse Chips With Chicken Salt And Shit Loads of Vinegar

Friday, September 10, 2010

How to Not be a Gay B*tch

  • Diet for well-being, exercise for health, don't do it cos your "HeAApZ FattT". Said it before and I'll say it again: That's gay, Man. It's Winter, give yourself a break, and stop wasting your life on 4 KGs.

  • Treat your friends with respect. Never replying to their text messages and always saying that you REALLY, REALLY MISS THEM AND REALLY WANNA SEE THEM but never do, doesn't make you REALLY, REALLY UNAVAILABLE AND COOL, it just makes you a flakey, ungrateful, gay b*tch, really.

  • Support your friends. Maybe you don't like her new boyf, maybe you don't like that she does Pilates every Thursday which means you can't go to the pub and get her reaaaally drunk and roll her down the street in a shopping trolley, maybe she wants to go see Step Up 3, maybe she doesn't have any money to see a band that you wanna see because she's saving for a really sick holiday. There's a MAJOR difference between teasing, and just genuinely not giving a fuck about your friends feelings and being a really huge, self-serving, gay b*tch.

  • Don't tell your friends to "shut the f***up" all the time. You shut up. You're gay.

  • Don't get upset about having no money! It's sooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay. WHATEVER. The days that you have 4 cigarettes for dinner because you're too poor, are the days that you'll look back on fondly in 20 years. Of course, by then you'll HAVE money and have most likely forgotten exactly what 4 cigarettes on an empty stomach feels like.

  • Don't get upset by the fact that you haven't used your brain for anything other than Sudoku and supreme Facebook stalking in a good 6 months and now you write like a MAJOR GAY B*TCH.