How to Not be a Gay B*tch

• Diet for well-being, exercise for health, don't do it cos your "HeAApZ FattT". Said it before and I'll say it again: That's gay, Man. It's Winter, give yourself a break, and stop wasting your life on 4 KGs.

• Treat your friends with respect. Never replying to their text messages and always saying that you REALLY, REALLY MISS THEM AND REALLY WANNA SEE THEM but never do, doesn't make you REALLY, REALLY UNAVAILABLE AND COOL, it just makes you a flakey, ungrateful, gay b*tch, really.

• Support your friends. Maybe you don't like her new boyf, maybe you don't like that she does Pilates every Thursday which means you can't go to the pub and get her reaaaally drunk and roll her down the street in a shopping trolley, maybe she wants to go see Step Up 3, maybe she doesn't have any money to see a band that you wanna see because she's saving for a really sick holiday. There's a MAJOR difference between teasing, and just genuinely not giving a fuck about your friends feelings and being a really huge, self-serving, gay b*tch.

• Don't tell your friends to "shut the f***up" all the time. You shut up. You're gay.

• Don't get upset about having no money! It's sooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay. WHATEVER. The days that you have 4 cigarettes for dinner because you're too poor, are the days that you'll look back on fondly in 20 years. Of course, by then you'll HAVE money and have most likely forgotten exactly what 4 cigarettes on an empty stomach feels like.

• Don't get upset by the fact that you haven't used your brain for anything other than Sudoku and supreme Facebook stalking in a good 6 months and now you write like a MAJOR GAY B*TCH.