Geordie born, Geordie bred. Hard as nails, good in bed.

Education is over-rated

Full on.

On a bathroom wall I wrote 

"I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else" 

TEEN-ANGER

What to do on my last day of being a Teenager:

1) Cry
2) Send a lot of text messages that are at least 5 pages long according to the old Nokia text message measurements (from Sean's phone cos I aint got mine)
3) Get an eating disorder
4) Listen to Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday & Slipknot (and cry)
5) Buy & wear some Refuge jeans from Roads
6) Catch the 60, 64, 67, 69, 887, or 889
7) Go to Dianella Plaza and drink Pulse in the car park of the old McDonalds
8) Have a "flavour of the month" BFF
9) Write in my diary about how no one understands me and the only way I will ever be happy is if Mum upgrades my mobile plan (and cry)
10) Go to "Splash Dance" at Beatty Park and be really awkward about being in a bikini (I have an eating disorder so I'm really funny about that kinda thing)

7 Tips on How To Drive: Perth Style

1) Why waste a whole lot of money on a new sound system for my car, when I can just use my iPod and TOTALLY block one of my mere 4 senses.

2) Accelerator control? What's that? The best way to drive is to slam your foot down on the accelerator pedal, sporadically, but preferably to the beat of I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte, and then slam my foot on the brakes 2 seconds later when I realise the 6 metres between myself and the car in front will totally not allow for the 25km/min speed increase I just rendered. Alter between both accelerator and brake pedals equally for the remainder of your journey - They don't put that middle pedal there for no reason!

3) Don't worry if you have a text message to write, at the lights, and waste a good 4 seconds of green light. It's not like anyone has had a draining day at work, and have a shitty Ford Laser that they cannot wait to get the fuck out of.

4) The best way to merge is to come to a complete stop.

5) When you notice that another car is actually doing the speed limit, or even more frightfully, above it, speed up and overtake them. Then when you are in front of them, do at least 10km less than you were originally. I don't know why you're meant to do this, probably something to do with my Dad also being my Uncle, but you just do.

6) Another little game I like to play when driving: Boxing. When there is a car that is driving less than a car's length behind another car, pull up beside them and try to maintain the same speed as them for as long as possible - It's super fun watching how mad they get!

7) NEVER EVER THANK/SIGNAL/ACKNOWLEDGE SOMEONE THAT HAS STOPPED TO LET YOU IN. It's unnecessary, it's not like they saved your life or anything. You gotta moderate those "please" and "thank you's" - This isn't England.

Happy driving!

I'm Hungry

Dear Brock O'Lee,

How's stuffing? Orange ya missing me? 

Now look, omelette you in on a secret, and the reason I'm writing you a letter is because I'm not stroganoff to tell you in person.

I Cantaloupe with you to The Bananas. I thought I was bready but I doughtnut know what I want any-smores. Lime sorry.

Fried regards,

Jesse Chips With Chicken Salt And Shit Loads of Vinegar

How to Not be a Gay B*tch

• Diet for well-being, exercise for health, don't do it cos your "HeAApZ FattT". Said it before and I'll say it again: That's gay, Man. It's Winter, give yourself a break, and stop wasting your life on 4 KGs.

• Treat your friends with respect. Never replying to their text messages and always saying that you REALLY, REALLY MISS THEM AND REALLY WANNA SEE THEM but never do, doesn't make you REALLY, REALLY UNAVAILABLE AND COOL, it just makes you a flakey, ungrateful, gay b*tch, really.

• Support your friends. Maybe you don't like her new boyf, maybe you don't like that she does Pilates every Thursday which means you can't go to the pub and get her reaaaally drunk and roll her down the street in a shopping trolley, maybe she wants to go see Step Up 3, maybe she doesn't have any money to see a band that you wanna see because she's saving for a really sick holiday. There's a MAJOR difference between teasing, and just genuinely not giving a fuck about your friends feelings and being a really huge, self-serving, gay b*tch.

• Don't tell your friends to "shut the f***up" all the time. You shut up. You're gay.

• Don't get upset about having no money! It's sooooooooo gaaaaaaaaaay. WHATEVER. The days that you have 4 cigarettes for dinner because you're too poor, are the days that you'll look back on fondly in 20 years. Of course, by then you'll HAVE money and have most likely forgotten exactly what 4 cigarettes on an empty stomach feels like.

• Don't get upset by the fact that you haven't used your brain for anything other than Sudoku and supreme Facebook stalking in a good 6 months and now you write like a MAJOR GAY B*TCH.

All is fair in love and war

 

WARNING: DANGEROUS AMOUNTS OF ESTROGEN. VERY ASHAMED AND THIS IS ONLY THE TITLE

 Today I was listening to Blink 182 (don't even, they're amazing) and was obviously thrown into a reminiscent journey through all my past boyfriends/crushes/guys I stalked, and it became, not so much clear, as unpalatably undeniable, that I have a real appetite for "weird" guys. (Not ground breaking news, I do have a point. Surprisingly though, it does not involve Courtney having sex). And although they are all different,  and no doubt great in their own right, "weird" is an adjective that could effortlessly cast a net over every one of them.

Attraction is a super fascinating yet sometimes bizarre thing, blah blah blah, and it's usual for people to be  attracted to someone without the smallest hint as to why, yadda yadda yadda, but I really think there are types of boys that are generally over-looked that really need to be re-evaluated. Not because crushes and relationships are SO IMPORTANT but because there are so many super boy-babes out there that just don't get the time of day from other super girl-babes because of certain points that can actually be really fun if seen from the right aviators. The amount of times you hear "there are no good guys in Perth", "I'm not attracted to ANY guys I know", "I'm an unimaginative doofus", really grinds my gears. IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE TO BE IN A CITY WITH OVER A MILLION PEOPLE AND THERE NOT BE ANY "GOOD GUYS". JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Think about this:

Hot: Computer nerds

Shit girls think: Ew. Smart guys are idiots. They smell funny. They only eat it Twisties. Get a fake tan.

Creative girls think: Incredible internet romance involving super detailed Photoshop images and cute flashing GIFs that you could only dream about when you were 14 and your Msn display name was ~***>> DnT seTTL3 4 tHa 1 yo0 caN liiVe wiF, waiiT 4 tHA 1 yO0 cNT Liiv3 wiiFouT <<***~. Free and easy access to any movie, TV show, game, software, or music ALWAYS. Never sleeps so is always available for drunk chats/4:00 am hang outs.



Hot: Possessive

Shit girls think: Go away and let me chat up this hottie with 16 abs

Creative girls think: Edward Cullen

Hot: Mental problems

Shit girls think: Fruit cake. Nut bar. Loose canon. Give it leg.

Creative girls think: Fruit cake. Nut bar. Loose canon. FUN!

Obviously this isn't for everybody. It is for me though cos there is NEVER a dull day with someone a few bricks short of a shed.

Albeit, I am pretty good at sorting out other peoples mental issues, and I do have a high tolerance for crazy (refer: every friend I have ever had), but once you get past the initial "next time, when you want to call me, please make sure it has been at least 3 1/2 minutes since the last time you have called me" and the "I know you really like bubble wrap and everything but do you think maybe we could get a real mattress? Cos this 'bubble-wrap-tress' of yours is really starting to hurt my back", they can make the most devoted, passionate, inspiring, and inventive people to be in a relationship with. We've ALL got our troubles, theirs are sometimes just more well known. Honesty. You like honesty, right?
And hey if they're creatively talented which 98% of them are you'll probably get songs and paintings made for you. Better than a Hallmark card.



Hot: Imperfect bodies

Shit girls think: Go away and let me chat up this hottie with 16 abs

Creative girls think: Generally better person. It's being shallow and judgmental but seriously while Vin was flexing muscles in the mirror, Seth Rogan was reading an insult book and watching Teen Wolf. It's true.




So when you meet a guy and you feel a little uneasy because you've never been with someone like him before and you're about to say "naaaah, he's not my type" - STOP. FUCK YOUR TYPE.  YOUR TYPE SUCKS. IF YOUR TYPE WAS SO GREAT YOU WOULDN'T BE SINGLE RIGHT NOW. YOUR TYPE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. MOVE ON. It's not lowering your standards, it's opening your mind to testing whether you REALLY want what you think you want, because you can never know unless you've tried it. Who would've thought that Ernie Dingo was right on the god damn money. And the illegitimate children.